15 years

Time and grief are a funny thing. 

Time, in life, seems to march on predictably. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. Minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Sometimes it seems to move so fast and you look back and realize that a ton of time has sailed by. 

Grief is anything but predictable. It is inside of time constraints because that is a part of our world that we can not escape. Minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years move on. However, in grief, they also circle back. Little things pop up unexpectedly. 

Fifteen years ago we said goodbye for the final time. In a tiny hospital tucked in a remote part of Washington state, I stood by your side and said goodbye. It was goodbye to the few short years we shared together and goodbye to the many years we had hoped to have. It was goodbye to the joy and pain the laughter and tears. Although it has been 15 years, it feels like yesterday sometimes. 

I read that our bodies remember grief even if our minds try to forget. I believe this is true. Even if I 'forget' a particular date or event, my body will have a reaction. I used to try to prevent this. After all, I am a Christian and I should not still 'wallow' in my grief after so many years. I should be past this, especially since I am remarried. (just some of the not helpful things I have heard over time). But again, time and grief don't play fair. I realized that I don't have to play by anyone else's rules. And it is ok, and even good, to allow myself to feel my grief. 

I am not the same 30 something widow with all those babies to care for. Time, and grief, have changed me. The things I knew then and what I know now are so different. Sometimes I even wonder if you would know the now me. I mean, if you were here and passed me on the street, would you know it was me? Would the me 15 years ago know the now me? I don't think so. 

The now me is confident (some of the time) and kind and empathetic. The now me is a willing learner, eager to hear and understand more than to be understood. The now me understands that she can grieve what could have been and what was lost and hold dearly to and treasure what is now. The now me knows that she can say 'and' instead of 'but'. I am sad that you are gone, I miss you, and I love my now life. It is possible. 

I am thankful for the years and the memories. I am thankful for our children, who are not babies anymore. They are adults! I am thankful for who I am. I am thankful for my husband who loves me completely and understands my crazy, or at least attempts to, and allows me to grieve and feel. 

It has been a hard few months. Your sister will be joining you soon, she has recently been diagnosed with cancer and not doing well. We are grieved and hurting and thankful all at the same time. I know that she missed you dearly and I can only imagine what Heaven will be like with the two of you there! When I saw her recently I gave her big hugs and asked her to pass them to you and our sweet Mollie for me. I will miss her so much! 

Five years ago I made a tribute post (https://robinsonfamily2009.blogspot.com/2016/07/we-remember.html) in remembrance. I am still walking in the promises I wrote about then. I am living life fully and completely and loving it and missing what was and grieving the losses, simultaneously. 

Time and grief are a funny thing. 

Happy Eighth Anniversary!!

Our love story is my favorite!!

Eight years ago today, God brought together eight broken people as one family. Our family is comprised of broken promises, broken relationships, broken health and broken hearts, the result of two divorces (one on each side) and a death.

When I consider the circumstances that formed our pasts and shaped our coming together, I am amazed at how God works.

He took this:

 And made this:

And to me, that is simply astounding! God brought us together and He is what keeps us together. Navigating life in a marriage and family is hard! Our marriage has not been perfect. We have had tears and struggles and difficulty and stress. And we have had joy and laughter and fun and love!

God blessed our broken road and continues to do so! Happy Anniversary to us! Thank you Lord for the years you have given us and to the many more to come.

Bless the Broken Road

This is the song our sweet friend Leslie sang at our wedding.

Family picture 2011

We remember.......

Today, we remember Phillip Roger Ratzel. Ten years ago; July 5, 2006, he took his last breath.

Phillip was born in California while his father was stationed at Camp Pendleton. Both his mother and father served in the Marine Corps. His father passed away when Phillip was 11 and by then he had developed a strong desire to follow in the footsteps of his hero.

In 1988 Phillip enlisted in the Marine Corps, right out of high school. He was in radio/comsec repair. He was stationed at Camp Pendleton after boot camp and at 19 was deployed in support of the Gulf War. He was later deployed to Somalia.


After serving for 5 years, he decided to pursue other dreams and left the Marine Corps and headed home to Colorado. There he pursued a degree in Accounting while serving in the Colorado National Guard. A few years later, he felt the strong pull that military life had on him and he again enlisted, this time in the Army. He spent 3 years at Ft Bliss and then a year in South Korea. In early 2000, he was stationed at Ft Lewis and our lives intersected.

We met and married within 6 months. Both of us had just begun, or recommitted, our walks with the Lord. Two days before our wedding, he re-enlisted in the Army and we began our journey together along with my two children.

During our marriage, we had four sweet babies and buried one. We moved across the country and back and to Europe and back. We survived his numerous field exercises, schools, and a deployment.

In the summer of 2004, just a few short months after our Mollie's death, Phillip was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme IV. The prognosis was grim. We were told that without treatment we could expect only 3-6 months more. We chose to fight as much and as long as we could. This required 2 surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation, months of chemotherapy, physical and occupational therapy to help him learn to walk again and many many many days/nights in the hospital. He suffered with memory loss, loss of strength and function and seizures.

In spite of the difficulty, we were blessed with almost 2 more years together before he lost his battle with cancer on July 5, 2006. In that time, we were upheld by our Lord through the prayers and tremendous blessings of so many people within our family, church and throughout the country! Our faith was tested and strengthened. Phillip grew strong in the Lord as his body grew weak. I know that in the early hours of that summer morning, he heard the words "Well done good and faithful servant. Enter into rest."

I made him three promises in those years. One, I would not let him take his last breath alone. He was circled by people who loved him and I was right by his side, holding his hand. I kissed him and whispered our love to him and asked him to hold our precious Mollie and tell her how much I love her.

The second promise I made was to learn to live, and love, again. It took me a couple of years to gain the courage and strength, but the Lord blessed me and I am walking in the fulfillment of that promise.

The third promise I made was to not let his life be forgotten. I will spend the remainder of my days fulfilling this. Each day I am met with three sweet faces which are his legacy. I will continue to instill a fond memory of their father and his life will carry on through them.

The Lord has comforted, strengthened and blessed us. Our life is very different than it was ten years ago when we said goodbye. I am grateful for the blessing of knowing Phillip and the life we shared. I praise God for His faithfulness, mercy, grace and comfort.

Today, please say a prayer for our family, especially the children, as we remember him.

My Dad....My Hero.....

My dad has always been one of my heroes. I have looked up to him and sought advice from him, and sometimes ignored that advice too!

I did not live with my dad past the age of 6 but he worked diligently to remain active in mine and my sibling's lives. He even made sacrifices to remain stationed near where we lived with our mom so he could be more present.

I remember him being at many of my sports events and choir concerts. We visited him every other weekend and for longer periods in the summer.

There were times that he had to be gone, unaccompanied tours overseas and other trainings. But he wrote to us and sent us little things to remind us he was thinking of us. I still have those as well as all the birthday cards!!

I know I disappointed him so many times. Yet, even if he was angry, he rarely ever yelled. He would take a deep breath and pull me close and remind me that he loved me, no matter what. And I don't even remember him saying "I told you so" :)!

He held my hand, literally and figuratively, through many difficult times. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without him.

He never took me to Disneyland or bought me a sports car or an expensive trip or jewelry. But, he made time, and still does, to listen when I needed to talk, hold me when I was broken hearted, cheer for me in my successes and help me up in my failures.

We don't always agree but we can talk about almost anything. We share the same sense of humor, much to the dislike of some other family members. And when no one else understands me, I know he does.

This is what makes my dad a hero to me.

Thank you dad for being you and for loving me just as I am.

Happy Father's Day!!

We survived our first year!!!

This month marked one year from the day we loaded up the van and drove out of Washington State.

August 4, 2013 was a Sunday. We went to church at Calvary Chapel Olympia, a place we called home for 13 years. We said some tearful goodbyes and some 'See ya laters' because goodbye was too painful! One friend and I even have an agreement that we will just pretend we keep missing one another on Sundays for the entire time, cause we are both too wimpy.

After church, we drove home, ate lunch and loaded up. We had to say goodbye to our neighbors and Grandma came by. We all tried to pretend we were brave but there were more than a few tears shed. The next thing you know, we were pulling out of our driveway, saying goodbye to our house (of 8 years) and hitting the road.

I am so thankful to my Aunt Cheryl for venturing 3,000 miles in 10 days with us. I know I couldn't have done it without her. She helped keep kids in line and me sane! I am also thankful to the kids who behaved very well. Driving all that way is hard enough as an adult. As usual, my kids blew me away with their awesomeness!!

To say I didn't want to come here would be an understatement. I came here kicking and screaming (in my passive/aggressive introverted way) and began counting down the days of our return. There were many days when I sat heartbroken, missing my kids, missing my friends, missing my life. I was less than cooperative and a huge pain to my husband, although he won't say that. I was certain that I would never recover.

But God has a way of working things out. He brought people and situations into my life and I began to loosen the grip on what was and look towards what was to be. I took some risks and tried things I never thought I would try and met some fabulous people!

Just a few things this past year has taught me:

• God will often take you where you don't want to go, to produce in you what you can't produce on your own.
• I can drive clear across the U.S. with 5 children, in a monster (12 passenger) van, and have fun!
• My kids are awesome (I knew this already)! Every day they show me how flexible and resilient they are.
• It's ok to take some time and adjust, to throw a little fit every once in awhile; as long as you focus back on what is important.
• Following God, supporting my husband, and loving him and my children is the most important thing.
• I might actually miss this place, just a little!

We are adjusting. We have found a new church home that each of us can feel comfortable at. We are making friends and getting more involved both at church and near home.

There are still 4 pieces of my heart missing; Zach in Nevada and Nathan, Cortnie and Nevaeh-Jade in Washington. We aren't able to see them near as much as we would like.

I know God is working in me and in my family. He is stretching and growing us. He is bringing us closer together and showing us a little more what He has planned for us. He is shaping our children into amazing young men and women. And He is still working in all things.

I am excited to see what this next year will bring as He continues to direct our steps.

Father-Daughter Dance, One way God shows His love

Chloe and Dan are off to the Father-Daughter dance. She looks beautiful in her purple dress with her hair in curls, and she is so happy!

Getting ready!

Ever since Dan mentioned the dance, I have thought about how good God is! To me, this dance is more than just a fun outing for them. It is evidence that God cares. He lovingly walks with us and often carries us and He blesses us so much.

Chloe has never been to a Father-Daughter dance with her daddy. Her daddy was diagnosed with brain cancer when she was only 3 and he died right before she was 5. She was too young or he was too sick to ever go with him.

Chloe and her daddy, April 2006

In the years after her daddy died, God showed us His love and compassion and comfort and goodness. He truly is "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows." Psalm 68:5

We are blessed with great family and friends who cared for us. One year, when she was 6, Uncle John escorted her to a dance at our church. She was super excited and I was so blessed.

Uncle John and Chloe going to the dance.

And then, God brought Dan into our lives. He chose to take on all of us and has loved us faithfully. He loves all the children just as though they were his own. He has filled a hole and helps heal the hurt.

So tonight, Chloe is honored to go to the Father-Daughter dance with her daddy.

Dan and Chloe on the way to the dance

I know that they will have a great time. They will laugh and dance and make some wonderful memories. And I believe her daddy is smiling and he is thanking God for bringing Dan to us, to love and care for us on earth.

The Grandma Club

I joined a club today, the Grandma club. Nevaeh-Jade Marie Hamilton joined our family this morning at 6:08 am PST. She is a tiny peanut, just 5 lb 11 oz and 17.5 inches. She made an exciting entrance 18 days early.


I received a call at 3 am (EST) and heard "I'm sorry mom but my water broke and I am having contractions. I'm at the hospital and in labor." She was saying sorry to me? I quickly reassured her that she had nothing to be sorry for and that I wished I could be there but I would be waiting for the news and to please have someone keep me updated and to remember that I love her.

Then I sent her gushy text messages reminding her that she was capable and beautiful and strong and amazing and that I loved her and would pray for all to go smoothly. Things I would say if I could be there.

Oh, waiting has not been my strong suit, ever, and this waiting was really hard. Three thousand miles separated me from my dear daughter while she was giving birth for the first time. Talk about anxiety! I only rested a little while more for the night.

Later in the morning, my sister called to give me an update. It seemed everything was fine and the next thing we know, she tells me that they don't know what is going on but something happened and someone said c-section and no one really knows and no one is telling them anything. Then the phone decided to cut out!

I couldn't breathe and my heart stopped for a minute. There are only a few times I have been that scared! There was nothing I could do. Nothing at all. I know there would be nothing I could do if I was there either but being here made me feel so helpless. My baby girl was struggling and I couldn't do anything for her. I thought of how worried she must be and there was no one with her!

I was at the mercy of my sister, the nurses information and poor cell phone reception.  For a moment I almost lost it completely. A dozen scenarios rushed through my mind and not a single one of them had a favorable outcome. And then God grabbed my heart and began to calm me. My sweet, dear husband held me and prayed over me. Peace replaced the fear and I was of sound mind again.

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Eventually I was able to speak with my wonderful sister and learned that everyone was OK. The baby's heart rate dropped so a c-section was needed. My daughter had to be put under and the waking up was rough but both momma and baby were fine.

It was a few hours before I could speak with my daughter. Once I heard her voice, raspy from the tube, my momma's heart was calmed. Pictures came flooding in, thanks again to my wonderful sister and niece and the baby's other grandma, aunt and family.

And through it all, even when I couldn't feel it, God was there. He was carrying me. How quickly I begin to panic when I know better. He is always there and always will be. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know this full well!

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Precious Bundle!

It has been an emotional day! Every one is tired and I am super duper excited. I can't wait to hold that little bundle of love. I haven't even seen her with my eyes and I already love her so much. I am thankful that the Lord protected them both and for His love and caring.

I am excited to be in the Grandma club and I am looking forward to meeting this special little girl.

Plenty of blond hair!

Sweet baby feet!