15 years

Time and grief are a funny thing. 

Time, in life, seems to march on predictably. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. Minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Sometimes it seems to move so fast and you look back and realize that a ton of time has sailed by. 

Grief is anything but predictable. It is inside of time constraints because that is a part of our world that we can not escape. Minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years move on. However, in grief, they also circle back. Little things pop up unexpectedly. 

Fifteen years ago we said goodbye for the final time. In a tiny hospital tucked in a remote part of Washington state, I stood by your side and said goodbye. It was goodbye to the few short years we shared together and goodbye to the many years we had hoped to have. It was goodbye to the joy and pain the laughter and tears. Although it has been 15 years, it feels like yesterday sometimes. 

I read that our bodies remember grief even if our minds try to forget. I believe this is true. Even if I 'forget' a particular date or event, my body will have a reaction. I used to try to prevent this. After all, I am a Christian and I should not still 'wallow' in my grief after so many years. I should be past this, especially since I am remarried. (just some of the not helpful things I have heard over time). But again, time and grief don't play fair. I realized that I don't have to play by anyone else's rules. And it is ok, and even good, to allow myself to feel my grief. 

I am not the same 30 something widow with all those babies to care for. Time, and grief, have changed me. The things I knew then and what I know now are so different. Sometimes I even wonder if you would know the now me. I mean, if you were here and passed me on the street, would you know it was me? Would the me 15 years ago know the now me? I don't think so. 

The now me is confident (some of the time) and kind and empathetic. The now me is a willing learner, eager to hear and understand more than to be understood. The now me understands that she can grieve what could have been and what was lost and hold dearly to and treasure what is now. The now me knows that she can say 'and' instead of 'but'. I am sad that you are gone, I miss you, and I love my now life. It is possible. 

I am thankful for the years and the memories. I am thankful for our children, who are not babies anymore. They are adults! I am thankful for who I am. I am thankful for my husband who loves me completely and understands my crazy, or at least attempts to, and allows me to grieve and feel. 

It has been a hard few months. Your sister will be joining you soon, she has recently been diagnosed with cancer and not doing well. We are grieved and hurting and thankful all at the same time. I know that she missed you dearly and I can only imagine what Heaven will be like with the two of you there! When I saw her recently I gave her big hugs and asked her to pass them to you and our sweet Mollie for me. I will miss her so much! 

Five years ago I made a tribute post (https://robinsonfamily2009.blogspot.com/2016/07/we-remember.html) in remembrance. I am still walking in the promises I wrote about then. I am living life fully and completely and loving it and missing what was and grieving the losses, simultaneously. 

Time and grief are a funny thing. 

Happy Eighth Anniversary!!

Our love story is my favorite!!

Eight years ago today, God brought together eight broken people as one family. Our family is comprised of broken promises, broken relationships, broken health and broken hearts, the result of two divorces (one on each side) and a death.

When I consider the circumstances that formed our pasts and shaped our coming together, I am amazed at how God works.

He took this:

 And made this:

And to me, that is simply astounding! God brought us together and He is what keeps us together. Navigating life in a marriage and family is hard! Our marriage has not been perfect. We have had tears and struggles and difficulty and stress. And we have had joy and laughter and fun and love!

God blessed our broken road and continues to do so! Happy Anniversary to us! Thank you Lord for the years you have given us and to the many more to come.

Bless the Broken Road

This is the song our sweet friend Leslie sang at our wedding.

Family picture 2011

We remember.......

Today, we remember Phillip Roger Ratzel. Ten years ago; July 5, 2006, he took his last breath.

Phillip was born in California while his father was stationed at Camp Pendleton. Both his mother and father served in the Marine Corps. His father passed away when Phillip was 11 and by then he had developed a strong desire to follow in the footsteps of his hero.

In 1988 Phillip enlisted in the Marine Corps, right out of high school. He was in radio/comsec repair. He was stationed at Camp Pendleton after boot camp and at 19 was deployed in support of the Gulf War. He was later deployed to Somalia.


After serving for 5 years, he decided to pursue other dreams and left the Marine Corps and headed home to Colorado. There he pursued a degree in Accounting while serving in the Colorado National Guard. A few years later, he felt the strong pull that military life had on him and he again enlisted, this time in the Army. He spent 3 years at Ft Bliss and then a year in South Korea. In early 2000, he was stationed at Ft Lewis and our lives intersected.

We met and married within 6 months. Both of us had just begun, or recommitted, our walks with the Lord. Two days before our wedding, he re-enlisted in the Army and we began our journey together along with my two children.

During our marriage, we had four sweet babies and buried one. We moved across the country and back and to Europe and back. We survived his numerous field exercises, schools, and a deployment.

In the summer of 2004, just a few short months after our Mollie's death, Phillip was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme IV. The prognosis was grim. We were told that without treatment we could expect only 3-6 months more. We chose to fight as much and as long as we could. This required 2 surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation, months of chemotherapy, physical and occupational therapy to help him learn to walk again and many many many days/nights in the hospital. He suffered with memory loss, loss of strength and function and seizures.

In spite of the difficulty, we were blessed with almost 2 more years together before he lost his battle with cancer on July 5, 2006. In that time, we were upheld by our Lord through the prayers and tremendous blessings of so many people within our family, church and throughout the country! Our faith was tested and strengthened. Phillip grew strong in the Lord as his body grew weak. I know that in the early hours of that summer morning, he heard the words "Well done good and faithful servant. Enter into rest."

I made him three promises in those years. One, I would not let him take his last breath alone. He was circled by people who loved him and I was right by his side, holding his hand. I kissed him and whispered our love to him and asked him to hold our precious Mollie and tell her how much I love her.

The second promise I made was to learn to live, and love, again. It took me a couple of years to gain the courage and strength, but the Lord blessed me and I am walking in the fulfillment of that promise.

The third promise I made was to not let his life be forgotten. I will spend the remainder of my days fulfilling this. Each day I am met with three sweet faces which are his legacy. I will continue to instill a fond memory of their father and his life will carry on through them.

The Lord has comforted, strengthened and blessed us. Our life is very different than it was ten years ago when we said goodbye. I am grateful for the blessing of knowing Phillip and the life we shared. I praise God for His faithfulness, mercy, grace and comfort.

Today, please say a prayer for our family, especially the children, as we remember him.

My Dad....My Hero.....

My dad has always been one of my heroes. I have looked up to him and sought advice from him, and sometimes ignored that advice too!

I did not live with my dad past the age of 6 but he worked diligently to remain active in mine and my sibling's lives. He even made sacrifices to remain stationed near where we lived with our mom so he could be more present.

I remember him being at many of my sports events and choir concerts. We visited him every other weekend and for longer periods in the summer.

There were times that he had to be gone, unaccompanied tours overseas and other trainings. But he wrote to us and sent us little things to remind us he was thinking of us. I still have those as well as all the birthday cards!!

I know I disappointed him so many times. Yet, even if he was angry, he rarely ever yelled. He would take a deep breath and pull me close and remind me that he loved me, no matter what. And I don't even remember him saying "I told you so" :)!

He held my hand, literally and figuratively, through many difficult times. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without him.

He never took me to Disneyland or bought me a sports car or an expensive trip or jewelry. But, he made time, and still does, to listen when I needed to talk, hold me when I was broken hearted, cheer for me in my successes and help me up in my failures.

We don't always agree but we can talk about almost anything. We share the same sense of humor, much to the dislike of some other family members. And when no one else understands me, I know he does.

This is what makes my dad a hero to me.

Thank you dad for being you and for loving me just as I am.

Happy Father's Day!!

We survived our first year!!!

This month marked one year from the day we loaded up the van and drove out of Washington State.

August 4, 2013 was a Sunday. We went to church at Calvary Chapel Olympia, a place we called home for 13 years. We said some tearful goodbyes and some 'See ya laters' because goodbye was too painful! One friend and I even have an agreement that we will just pretend we keep missing one another on Sundays for the entire time, cause we are both too wimpy.

After church, we drove home, ate lunch and loaded up. We had to say goodbye to our neighbors and Grandma came by. We all tried to pretend we were brave but there were more than a few tears shed. The next thing you know, we were pulling out of our driveway, saying goodbye to our house (of 8 years) and hitting the road.

I am so thankful to my Aunt Cheryl for venturing 3,000 miles in 10 days with us. I know I couldn't have done it without her. She helped keep kids in line and me sane! I am also thankful to the kids who behaved very well. Driving all that way is hard enough as an adult. As usual, my kids blew me away with their awesomeness!!

To say I didn't want to come here would be an understatement. I came here kicking and screaming (in my passive/aggressive introverted way) and began counting down the days of our return. There were many days when I sat heartbroken, missing my kids, missing my friends, missing my life. I was less than cooperative and a huge pain to my husband, although he won't say that. I was certain that I would never recover.

But God has a way of working things out. He brought people and situations into my life and I began to loosen the grip on what was and look towards what was to be. I took some risks and tried things I never thought I would try and met some fabulous people!

Just a few things this past year has taught me:

• God will often take you where you don't want to go, to produce in you what you can't produce on your own.
• I can drive clear across the U.S. with 5 children, in a monster (12 passenger) van, and have fun!
• My kids are awesome (I knew this already)! Every day they show me how flexible and resilient they are.
• It's ok to take some time and adjust, to throw a little fit every once in awhile; as long as you focus back on what is important.
• Following God, supporting my husband, and loving him and my children is the most important thing.
• I might actually miss this place, just a little!

We are adjusting. We have found a new church home that each of us can feel comfortable at. We are making friends and getting more involved both at church and near home.

There are still 4 pieces of my heart missing; Zach in Nevada and Nathan, Cortnie and Nevaeh-Jade in Washington. We aren't able to see them near as much as we would like.

I know God is working in me and in my family. He is stretching and growing us. He is bringing us closer together and showing us a little more what He has planned for us. He is shaping our children into amazing young men and women. And He is still working in all things.

I am excited to see what this next year will bring as He continues to direct our steps.

Father-Daughter Dance, One way God shows His love

Chloe and Dan are off to the Father-Daughter dance. She looks beautiful in her purple dress with her hair in curls, and she is so happy!

Getting ready!

Ever since Dan mentioned the dance, I have thought about how good God is! To me, this dance is more than just a fun outing for them. It is evidence that God cares. He lovingly walks with us and often carries us and He blesses us so much.

Chloe has never been to a Father-Daughter dance with her daddy. Her daddy was diagnosed with brain cancer when she was only 3 and he died right before she was 5. She was too young or he was too sick to ever go with him.

Chloe and her daddy, April 2006

In the years after her daddy died, God showed us His love and compassion and comfort and goodness. He truly is "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows." Psalm 68:5

We are blessed with great family and friends who cared for us. One year, when she was 6, Uncle John escorted her to a dance at our church. She was super excited and I was so blessed.

Uncle John and Chloe going to the dance.

And then, God brought Dan into our lives. He chose to take on all of us and has loved us faithfully. He loves all the children just as though they were his own. He has filled a hole and helps heal the hurt.

So tonight, Chloe is honored to go to the Father-Daughter dance with her daddy.

Dan and Chloe on the way to the dance

I know that they will have a great time. They will laugh and dance and make some wonderful memories. And I believe her daddy is smiling and he is thanking God for bringing Dan to us, to love and care for us on earth.

The Grandma Club

I joined a club today, the Grandma club. Nevaeh-Jade Marie Hamilton joined our family this morning at 6:08 am PST. She is a tiny peanut, just 5 lb 11 oz and 17.5 inches. She made an exciting entrance 18 days early.


I received a call at 3 am (EST) and heard "I'm sorry mom but my water broke and I am having contractions. I'm at the hospital and in labor." She was saying sorry to me? I quickly reassured her that she had nothing to be sorry for and that I wished I could be there but I would be waiting for the news and to please have someone keep me updated and to remember that I love her.

Then I sent her gushy text messages reminding her that she was capable and beautiful and strong and amazing and that I loved her and would pray for all to go smoothly. Things I would say if I could be there.

Oh, waiting has not been my strong suit, ever, and this waiting was really hard. Three thousand miles separated me from my dear daughter while she was giving birth for the first time. Talk about anxiety! I only rested a little while more for the night.

Later in the morning, my sister called to give me an update. It seemed everything was fine and the next thing we know, she tells me that they don't know what is going on but something happened and someone said c-section and no one really knows and no one is telling them anything. Then the phone decided to cut out!

I couldn't breathe and my heart stopped for a minute. There are only a few times I have been that scared! There was nothing I could do. Nothing at all. I know there would be nothing I could do if I was there either but being here made me feel so helpless. My baby girl was struggling and I couldn't do anything for her. I thought of how worried she must be and there was no one with her!

I was at the mercy of my sister, the nurses information and poor cell phone reception.  For a moment I almost lost it completely. A dozen scenarios rushed through my mind and not a single one of them had a favorable outcome. And then God grabbed my heart and began to calm me. My sweet, dear husband held me and prayed over me. Peace replaced the fear and I was of sound mind again.

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Eventually I was able to speak with my wonderful sister and learned that everyone was OK. The baby's heart rate dropped so a c-section was needed. My daughter had to be put under and the waking up was rough but both momma and baby were fine.

It was a few hours before I could speak with my daughter. Once I heard her voice, raspy from the tube, my momma's heart was calmed. Pictures came flooding in, thanks again to my wonderful sister and niece and the baby's other grandma, aunt and family.

And through it all, even when I couldn't feel it, God was there. He was carrying me. How quickly I begin to panic when I know better. He is always there and always will be. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know this full well!

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Precious Bundle!

It has been an emotional day! Every one is tired and I am super duper excited. I can't wait to hold that little bundle of love. I haven't even seen her with my eyes and I already love her so much. I am thankful that the Lord protected them both and for His love and caring.

I am excited to be in the Grandma club and I am looking forward to meeting this special little girl.

Plenty of blond hair!

Sweet baby feet!

Psalm 84:2

I am participating in the Proverbs 31 Made to Crave online bible study. This is the second time I have been through this study with Proverbs 31. As I began, again, I wanted to make this time different. For me, it is not so much about diet and food as it is craving other things in place of God.

One way I decided to enrich the study for myself, is to participate in the blog hop and focus on the verse mapping.

Psalm 84:2 is the verse for the first week.

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord, my heart and my flesh cry out for the  living God.

soul = the spirit, inner man
yearns = longs, desires, craves
faints = grows weak
cry out= shout
*www.biblegateway.com, www.merriam-webster.com, www.blueletterbible.org*


This verse means to me:

My inner person craves, grows weak with desire, for the presence of the Lord, my heart and flesh shout for the living God.

 My soul was created by God to need Him. When I am craving other things, it is because that inner person, my soul, is weak with desire for the presence of the Lord in my life at that moment. My soul is literally shouting out with desire to fill the void. I need to take those opportunities and reach out to Him in prayer and study His word to see what He has for me instead of reaching for food or technology to fill the void.

I am looking forward to more learning in this study and my prayer is that I will seek Him to fill the void and not try to fill it with other things.

Lord,
Thank You for being a God who hears our cry. I pray that during this study, and each day after, I will turn to You when I feel that void and begin to crave something. I pray that I will seek You daily so that I will not have an emptiness in need of filling. Help me to see You and the work You are doing in my life. I pray for Your wisdom and direction as I dig into Your word. Thank You Lord that You are a God who sees and desires to meet with me.
In Jesus Name, Amen

Our homeschool space transformation!

On the second morning of January, I saw a friend post about her newly organized school space! It was beautiful! I began to covet her space and searched until I found the right shelving unit at Ikea. I even talked my hubby into going with me to get it! We made a date out of it and even bought the little princess a table and chairs for her tea.

I wanted to share our transformation. I do not have a school room because we don't have an extra room to use and it is easier to have everyone downstairs near or at the table. We do have a large space for bookshelves and such. Because I am a bookaholic, I have lots and lots and lots of books that fill up the shelves. We usually have our working books mixed in with the rest and it created a mess after many hands removed and replaced them. I wanted something more functional.

This is what we started with:

The rolling tote and the Large Utility Tote so that we could have our CC items ready for Tuesdays. The other two boys had their books mixed in with everything else in the bookshelf. And the preschool stuff I wanted to use with the little princess was somewhere on the shelf too.

I bought one 2 X 4 Expedit unit and one 2 X 2 at Ikea. I bought the white because it was cheaper and I figured it would match almost anything.

This is the 2 X 2 unit

We had to move the big bookcase over to make room for both units and the corkboard. My hubby and the boys were good sports and seemed to enjoy putting it together. While they did that, Chloe helped me put together the table and chairs for little princess.

The little princess using her table

The process took Dan and I until after 11. At that point, all the pieces were put together and the cork-board re-hung.

I spent most of the next day filling it up and rearranging. It is still a work in progress but I am so pleased with the way it is now.

I love my new space!!!

Happy 2014!!!

Happy New Year! 

We rang in the New Year as we do almost every year, with movies, junk food and sparkling cider at midnight. I fell asleep a few times but managed to be awake for the strike of 12. And I was able to speak with my mom and sister too!

At dinner last night, we were discussing our favorite parts of last year. Caitlin walking was at the top of the list for me and Dan. Moving here, new friendships, zoo birthday party and sleepover, and new friendships and opportunities were on the list for everyone as well. The thing I am most grateful for is that we are all together as a family.

I love the new year because it is a time for new opportunities. I can close the door on all I fell short on last year and begin anew.

This year, I am choosing to focus on more time with God in prayer and in His word. I am also going to focus on Grace, for myself and others. I am going to focus on my family and the things I enjoy and I am going to set a goal to blog about our life here more often. Not that I think anyone else really is all that interested but because I think it is an easy way to keep track of life and I have a dream to write a book too so this is a good way to start.

Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. John 1:16

My prayer this year is for a renewed fire for God and His word. I pray my words and actions will show His love and grace. I pray that I can encourage and comfort others.

Thank you Lord for all that You have blessed me with. Thank You for new opportunities, new years and new days to start new. Thank You for the work You are doing. Help me to give Your love and grace to others. Help me to be an encouragement and support. 

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Do you have goals or hopes or dreams for 2014? If you post them in the comments I will pray for you and them this coming year.

Blessings,

Christina

What a difference a decade makes!

We are full into the Christmas season, complete with a snow day this week! The tree is up, ornaments on and even managed a few outdoor decorations. I love Christmas and always have. Even before I was a Christian, I knew there was something special about this time of year. My parents did a good job making it special for us too!

This year is different for my family because we are thousands of miles away from those we usually spend Christmas with. Of course so are most of the families around us, so I feel kind of whiny even mentioning it.

This isn't the first time we have been away. Ten years ago, November 2004, I was married to an Army Warrant Officer and we had just arrived in Weisbaden, Germany. In fact, at this time that year, he was in Iraq for what was supposed to be at least 6 months. We had 4 kids and I was pregnant with #5. I remember being so depressed and feeling so sorry for myself! I cried a lot and missed home so much. I was certain that it was the worst thing to be on the other side of the world and to have my hubby gone.

If I had known then what was to happen in the following 2 years, I'm pretty sure I would have looked at that time differently. Just 7 weeks later we learned our unborn baby girl had some very severe complications and they sent my husband home on emergency leave. Her story is told here: Mollie's blog in the 2011 posts. She battled hard after her early birth but a mere 33 days later she went to be with the Lord. After only 6 months in Europe, we headed back to Washington with heavy hearts. A few months after arriving there, my healthy and strong 34 year old husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. The young man who had served his country; first in the Marine Corps and then in the Army; for 16 years and fought in war zones three different times, was facing his greatest and last battle. He fought hard and admirably for 2 years. July 2006, we said goodbye to him as we stood by his side at his last breath.

A decade has passed since the beginning of that very difficult time. The Lord is faithful and He brought peace and comfort in my grief, He brought new experiences and He turned ashes into beauty. He brought me another love who was brave enough to take on me and my children. And He brought us a new adventure.

When we received our orders to Virginia this past May, I thought about how it is so much like God to work things out in ironic ways. Exactly 10 years and He again took me away from all I knew and put me in a place where I am completely dependent on Him. At times I struggle with loneliness, depression and anxiety, wondering what will happen this time around. Yet the Lord is still faithful, even to a sometimes faithless and fearful sinner such as me. I know that He is and will continue to do amazing things with and through my family.

The difference this time is that I know He will be there, no matter what! Even though I struggle, I turn back to Him and trust Him. I have walked through the valley and He was right beside me. I'm learning to grow where I'm placed and to find joy in everything.

Although it's hard, I can say 'It is my joy to say, Your Will, Your Way!'

And the journey begins!

You probably already heard the news with all of my Facebook activity! Dan was selected at the Chaplaincy board, commissioned and given orders. We are moving to Quantico Marine Corp Base in Quantico, Virginia, in 2 months.

Wow is about all I can say right now. We are so blessed for this change. Dan has worked very hard for a long time and has faced a lot of difficulties in trying to get here. He worked 40+ hours a week while going to Seminary and volunteering in ministry. Often his worked required him to travel which caused missed classes and deadlines. But, he persevered. God gave him the strength and ability to keep going!

We are a military family, at the roots. My dad served, Dan's dad served, many uncles and cousins have and continue to serve. We understand the military life, we have lived it. While we are very excited for this new adventure, I find myself a little anxious too.

Ten years ago, in April 2003, we loaded up our van with 4 kids (age 12, 9, 1.5 and 4 months) and drove from Washington State to Huntsville, Alabama. My husband had been selected to be a Warrant Officer in the Army. We were excited for the adventure. We would spend 6 months in Alabama while he attended school and then head off to Weisbaden Germany! We had so many plans and hopes and ideas for what we would do. While in Alabama, we learned we were expecting again. This baby would be born overseas. In November he finished school and off we went. We arrived in Germany and moved in to our housing. A month later he deployed to Iraq. I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do would be to raise 4 children and birth a new baby alone in a foreign country while my husband proudly served with his unit in Iraq. Little did I know, much more would be asked of me.

About 8 weeks after we arrived, I learned that my baby had a rare brain malformation. There was a flurry of activity, I was admitted to the hospital for an indefinite amount of time, my husband was called back from Iraq. Sweet Miss Mollie was born and after only 33 days she went to heaven to be with Jesus. That time was so hard and yet so beautiful. God showed me His presence in so many ways. I was blessed. Her story is found here: http://molliechristina.blogspot.com/2011/03/when-life-was-turned-inside-out.html.

With broken hearts, we decided to come back to Washington State to heal. We were embraced by our friends and family and our church. God was right beside us. Four months after returning, my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. We also learned we were expecting again. It was like getting sucker punched. Again, God was there and present in everything. For 2 years he bravely battled cancer; undergoing surgery, radiation and a lot of chemotherapy. He relearned to walk more than once. However, after 2 years, he won the ultimate battle and left us on this earth. I am fully confident that he heard the words, "Well done good and faithful servant." as he entered heaven that day and met our Savior Jesus Christ and embraced our baby girl.

Again, God was with me and the children. It wasn't easy but He filled in the gaps and carried us. Two years later I was blessed to meet a wonderful, Godly man. A year later we married. I knew from the beginning that he wanted to and was called to become a Navy Chaplain. I had to decide from the start if I could support that. Obviously the answer was Yes!

So now we are here, 10 years later, heading off for another adventure. I am excited and so blessed to be able to support my sweet husband in his calling. However, I am scared and anxious too. I have done the adventure and from human eyes it didn't work out so well! But I know that God has a plan. He never left my side and He will be there in this as well.

I don't really need to hear about how I need to have strong faith and how if or when I am more mature in my faith I won't doubt or be scared. I believe I have a strong faith. I have and still do trust God in all things. Yet, I am still human. I still fear at times until I turn it back to Him. What I need to hear, and what my children need to hear and what my sweet hubby needs to hear is "We are praying for you." and maybe throw in a "Congratulations!" We will have an adventure. We will follow God's plan for us. We will trust Him in all the unknown and all the changes.

With trembling fingers and a tear in my eye, I will stand by my husband, grasp his hand, and step out into this new adventure. I have no idea what will come but I put my trust fully in He who does, Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

Let the adventure begin!!

On My Knees and Blessed

This week, in "Stressed-Less Living", we read about the things in our lives that cause our stress. I completed an exercise where I listed out what the problem was, how it makes me feel, how it affects my life and whether or not I have control or the power to change it.

I learned that the majority of my major stressors are out of my control and I have absolutely no power to change them. That should make me feel better, but it doesn't. The reason it doesn't is because I have been unwilling to give them up to God and allow Him to keep them. I want to be able to do this. The exercise also encouraged a conversation with the Lord. My prayer is below:

Lord,
I confess that I am often stressed over things that are out of my control. I have let these things affect my relationship with You and with others. Lord, I want to be free of these burdens and how they affect my life. I pray that You will take these problems from my shoulders and You will work in them, in Your time. I pray for Your peace that passes my understanding as I wait on You for the solutions and answers. Help me to continue to turn these things over to You when I want to pull back and worry. I pray that I will allow You to work. Thank You Lord that You care about me and all that is going on in my life. I thank You that You love me and You will always be there beside me. 
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Some of the stressors in my life seem pretty huge and daunting. I am challenged to seek the blessings that I have as I wait on the Lord. I shared some of my blessings in my last post, here are some more.

I am thankful for:

• My daughter's Physical and Occupational therapists who work hard with her every week to help her to walk and also help me to not be worried over her delays.
• My children who help out around the house.
• My husband's job which provides for our family and allows me to stay home with our children.
• The ministry opportunity that my husband and I have to help grieving people in their healing.
• The mild weather we have here in the Pacific NW.
• My online bible study sisters who encourage and support me in this journey.

 I am learning so much in this study and look forward to what the Lord has for me.

My Stressed-Less Journey

This week I started a new online bible study with Proverbs 31 which uses the book "Stressed-Less Living" by Tracie Miles. We have just begun the adventure and I am already learning a lot.

I decided to join this study because I know I could use some insight and help on living life with less stress. We have a lot going on in our family. Currently, 5 of our 8 children live with us as well as our nephew. I am a director of a homeschool community, I support and facilitate ministry teams at church and try to homeschool my children in all of that. Life is very busy. And busyness often brings stress! I don't want to be the cranky mom or the nagging wife or the complainy friend. I want to be a calm person who is at peace with where God has me. I know that I need to give up my desires, plans and future to Him in order to have that.

My goal in this study is to learn to surrender to God, trust Him with the outcome and walk in His peace. One of the first steps in that is to realize my blessings. God has worked amazingly in my life and I am a truly blessed woman. Below are just a few of the things I am thankful for:

• I am thankful for my husband who works hard to provide for us and helps me continually grow in the Lord.
• I am thankful for my children who are a huge blessing to my life and keep me humble and help me to not be lazy.
• I am thankful for difficult relationships so that I can learn to love better.
• I am thankful for a house that constantly needs attention because it is FULL of the people I love!
• I am thankful for my mom living right down the street because she is often available to watch kids when I am in a pinch.
• I am thankful for the blessing of homeschooling my children because I can see them grow and be there when they have A Ha moments!
• I am thankful for my friends who hold me accountable and love me.
• I am thankful for this study and how God is going to use it to continue to shape and mold me.

These are just a few of the things I am thankful for. I look forward to what the Lord has to show me through this study.

Lean on Him

Psalm 91:2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust."

Life is hard, period. No matter who you are, there are, or have been, some tough times. It's hard because we live in a fallen world with fellow sinners. There are storms that come and things that are out of our control. In fact, as I tell my kids, the only thing we can control are our reactions to people and situations that are out of our control! And I for one, don't do that very well.

So, what shall we do then? Shall we run and hide? Shall we lash back in out of control emotion? Or cower helplessly because of it all?

I suggest we run to the one who is in control. Our God!

He is a refuge. His word says He will hide you under His wing. He will protect and give rest.

He is a fortress, a strong tower. A place to go in time of need.

He can be trusted. His word is true and He will fulfill all His promises.

I know for me, He has been a refuge in times of trouble, a fortress and a trusted Father who has never left me nor forsaken me.

It makes me think of this song that we sing in church:

I will bless the Lord forever,
And I will trust Him at all times.
He has delivered me from all things,
And He has set my feet upon the Rock.

I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

Whom have I in Heaven but you.
There's no one I desire beside You.

You have made me glad, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

Soul Control

In chapter 9 of Let. It. Go., Karen Ehman discusses 5 forms of control we exert to get our way. They are, outright action, subtle mood swings, guilt-laying trips, cloaked concern, and pulling the God Card.

Honestly, I think I use each of these in different situations. But, if I were to pick one that I use most often, I would say subtle (or not so subtle) mood swings. I am the queen of 'fine' in a tight lipped way, or 'oh, I just don't feel well'. Sometimes I will just swing all over with my moods. I can get real pouty real quick!

Thankfully, I don't have to stay trapped in this forever. God is working on me, ever so slowly. I have been searching His word and trying to stay honest about how I am feeling. I also have a dear friend who I know I can trust to keep me accountable. We have an agreement that we will just ask one another if we feel the vibe coming off the other person. "Did I do something wrong? Is there something we need to discuss?" I have found that this accountability has helped me to be more forthright in other relationships.

Now, I still have a long way to go, but God is working. I am learning to stay in His word, to take my hurt feelings to Him, to trust His timing and to stay out of the horrid comparison trap! I am learning that I need to release the reins and give God sole control over my life.

Lord,
I pray that I will put my hope and trust in You and that I will relinquish the reins of my life. I pray that You will continue the good work You have begun in me. Help me to be upfront and honest about my wants and needs and how I feel, in a loving way. Help me to recognize when I am trying to control a situation and help me to pause and think before I act or pout.

Serenity

Oh, how these last few chapters have spoke to me! Especially Chapter 8, Due to Circumstances beyond Our Control. Sometimes I feel like this is my entire life. I know it isn't but there have been large spans of time where it has.

From 2000 to 2007, I was remarried, had 4 more children, lost one child to a birth defect and lost my husband to cancer and then broke my foot and couldn't drive for 3 months and I was the only adult in my house! (I'm not going in to details because it is too lengthy and not the purpose of this post but you can read about it in earlier posts and on my other blog: http://molliechristina.blogspot.com/)

In this I learned, I can't control everything. In fact, there is very little I can control. God will never leave nor forsake me, no matter how hard the situation is. God does work All things for good. He showed me that He loves me and He will work in every situation. He brought people into my life who were His hands and feet and who walked with me through this time. There were things He did that I didn't understand at the time that make more sense now looking back.

I would like to say that I have kept these lessons close, but I still tend to desire control. I remind myself of what God has done and His sovereignty and it helps me loosen my white-knuckle grip!

Hampering Home

In my control freak nature, I have become a dictator in my own home! I have a certain way for everything and I really do not like it when something is not done my way. I have been known to clear all the towels out of the closet and refold them after some well meaning family member has worked hard to do it for me, just because they weren't folded MY way!!  Wow, it makes me cringe to think of it.

In Chapter 6, I love the 'Two Plus Two Equals Four' section. It is a great reminder that there are more than one way to do things.

I am learning, slowly but surely, that not everything has to be MY way. There is no right way to a lot of things. If something is dangerous then of course there needs to be a change but most of the time it's a matter of preference.

This verse: She watches over the activities of her household ~ Proverbs 31:27 HCSB reminds me that my job is to watch over not do everything!! I need my families help to make our house run smoothly. However, they aren't likely to help me if I am so particular.

My prayer is that I will learn to loosen the grip.

Lord,
I want to be a wife and mother who watches over my household and enlists others to help so we can work together. I want to be calm and peaceful so that I can set the tone for my home. Help me to let go of this deep need to over control. Help me to trust You in all situations so that I will be more calm.
Thank You.
Amen

My Valentine Proposal

I am one of those girls who really isn't in to the whole roses and candy and forced love because the calendar, and society, says you have to. In fact, I would much prefer to celebrate love every day. I have tried to make it a special day for my kids so that they know they are loved by me and especially by a loving God. If you read my blog last year you know about the "Pink Party" tradition my family started. If you haven't read that, you can here: http://robinsonfamily2009.blogspot.com/2012/02/our-pink-party.html.

Anyway, 4 years ago, I was a widow with 5 kids and I had met a wonderful, sweet, and Godly man. We had been dating for awhile and I already knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was pretty sure he felt the same way. However, he hadn't asked me yet. I was sure he would pick a fabulous way and an equally fabulous day, like Christmas or New Years Eve or even New Years Day. All three of those days had come and gone with no question and no ring. I was beginning to wonder.

I discussed it with my bestest friend, my cousin Summer. She said "Maybe he is waiting to ask you on Valentine's Day!" I replied, "Uh, no, pretty sure not that day." She was confused because she had met him and she was also pretty sure he was smitten with me as well. So she questioned how I could be so sure. I sheepishly said "Well, we were talking about Valentine's Day and how so many people become engaged or get married on that day and I sort of said I thought it was hokey! I told him I would never want a Valentine's wedding or proposal." She was flabbergasted! "Tell him you changed your mind!" As if that would make a difference. "Yeah, right, like he would believe that. I guess I'll just have to wait and wonder."

Well, Valentine's day was approaching and he told me he wanted to do something with me that day. My sweet friend Sandy came the Friday before to be part of our pink party and to watch the kids on Saturday. We had our pink party and made plans for him to pick me up the next morning.

As we were leaving my house, he handed me a small envelope and a rose. In the envelope were a card with a message from my brother, a card with a message from my cousin and a little note explaining it. The note said that my house was the place he first met my family and he knew how special they are to me. There was another small card that just said 'Will'. Next, we drove to the Highschool and parked by the football field. He handed me another rose and a card from Nathan and a note that explained this place. The note said that this was the first time I asked him to pray with me when Nathan had been injured playing football. Another small card inside just had the word 'You'. I was crying from the sweet things Nathan had to say and the realization of where this was going. He decided not to give me any more of the One word cards until later.

Putting the cards in order

The day continued with visits to many of the places we had visited while dating. The last place was a small spot on the 5 mile drive at Point Defiance park overlooking the water. He handed me all the cards that had one word on them and asked me to put them in order. While I was busy working he played the guitar and sang worship songs. When all together they said "Will You Spend The Rest Of Your Life" and then he pulled one more out of his shirt pocket that said "With Me" and had a ring attached! I was speechless! He had managed to surprise me. I later found out that he had also sent me the same message in texts over a number of days. The first word of the first text each day was one of the words in the proposal message. I guess it goes without saying, he puts a lot of thought into things! :)

The sunset right before the proposal

Later when I asked him why he decided on Valentine's Day after what I had said he replied "Because I knew it would be the last day you would think I would do it."

So now Valentine's Day has new meaning for me. It is the day he asked and I said Yes!

Let go, girl!

As I said in my last post, I struggle with control. I have lots of excuses, ahem....justifications, for this but the bottom line is that it is rooted in pride and mistrust. I think I know better and I don't really trust any one, including God, to do it just right. I am pretty sure that if I want a job done right I will have to do it myself!

The online study I am involved in is using the book "Let. It. Go." by Karen Ehman. I am learning a lot in just the first few chapters. I am learning where I struggle most and how to give it up to God. My prayer is that I will continue to let go and let God and walk away from my pride and fully trust Him with the results.

Lord,
I confess that I struggle with control. I confess that my pride and mistrust usurps Your authority in my life most of the time. I confess that I often choose to go my own way rather than wait on You. Lord, I pray that You will fill me with Your spirit. I pray that I can remember the work You have done in my life and that I will release the white-knuckle grip I have on my future. I pray that I will remember your words, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 Lord, I give You control over All of my life; my past, present and future, my children, my husband, my plans and my dreams. I trust that You have an eternal perspective and I trust You hand in it all. Thank You Lord that You are infinitely patient with me. Thank You Lord that You love me even with all my flaws. Thank You for Your word that does change people. Thank You for the people You have placed in my life to help point me back to You. 
In Jesus Name,
Amen