God's leading

I can feel it, that tugging on my heart.  I know I am being asked to do 'something'.  I don't know what that 'something' is and it scares me to death. 

Dan is putting together his packet and will have it submitted by the end of the month.  This packet will be his application to the Chaplain Corps and he is requesting active duty.  I am honored to stand by him as he takes this step and we head out soon on a new journey.  But I am also scared.  All the 'what ifs' cross my mind.

I've done this before.  The submission of a packet, the news of acceptance, the orders to far off places.  All the excitement and sorrow as I said goodbye to my family for the first time, ever.  We went away to new adventures.  Those new adventures brought the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life.

Logically I know that my former husband becoming a Warrant Officer in the Army and our family moving to Germany did not take my baby girl from me.  I know that those steps and decisions didn't cause his brain cancer.  I know it wasn't a punishment from God for not doing things right.  I know that God allowed those things in my life to serve a purpose, His purpose. 

However, the part of me that remembers holding Mollie close to my heart during the many days in the NICU, in a foreign hospital, feeling so alone, wonders.  The part of me that stood by as they wheeled Phillip off to surgery #1 and #2 and watched as he underwent chemo and radiation and held his hand as he took his last breathe in the wee hours of the morning, wonders. 

That part wonders, what will this adventure bring?  What will I be asked to let go of?  Can my heart take another loss?  Will I survive? 

And the answer is Yes, with God I can.  Because I know without a doubt that "He will never leave me nor forsake me" (Hebrews 13:5b).  That His word says "Do not fear, I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

I am scared to death because of the what ifs but I am also excited to see what He will bring to us.  There are many people who need to be ministered to.  There are families falling a part.  If Dan and I can be an encouragement, a listening ear, a support to just one person or one family it will all be worth it.  God is calling us to do 'something' and we are listening and taking those steps. 

I'll say it again, I am honored to stand by his side and take these steps and support him in what God is calling him to do.  And together, strengthened by God, we will face whatever may come our way!