What a difference a decade makes!

We are full into the Christmas season, complete with a snow day this week! The tree is up, ornaments on and even managed a few outdoor decorations. I love Christmas and always have. Even before I was a Christian, I knew there was something special about this time of year. My parents did a good job making it special for us too!

This year is different for my family because we are thousands of miles away from those we usually spend Christmas with. Of course so are most of the families around us, so I feel kind of whiny even mentioning it.

This isn't the first time we have been away. Ten years ago, November 2004, I was married to an Army Warrant Officer and we had just arrived in Weisbaden, Germany. In fact, at this time that year, he was in Iraq for what was supposed to be at least 6 months. We had 4 kids and I was pregnant with #5. I remember being so depressed and feeling so sorry for myself! I cried a lot and missed home so much. I was certain that it was the worst thing to be on the other side of the world and to have my hubby gone.

If I had known then what was to happen in the following 2 years, I'm pretty sure I would have looked at that time differently. Just 7 weeks later we learned our unborn baby girl had some very severe complications and they sent my husband home on emergency leave. Her story is told here: Mollie's blog in the 2011 posts. She battled hard after her early birth but a mere 33 days later she went to be with the Lord. After only 6 months in Europe, we headed back to Washington with heavy hearts. A few months after arriving there, my healthy and strong 34 year old husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. The young man who had served his country; first in the Marine Corps and then in the Army; for 16 years and fought in war zones three different times, was facing his greatest and last battle. He fought hard and admirably for 2 years. July 2006, we said goodbye to him as we stood by his side at his last breath.

A decade has passed since the beginning of that very difficult time. The Lord is faithful and He brought peace and comfort in my grief, He brought new experiences and He turned ashes into beauty. He brought me another love who was brave enough to take on me and my children. And He brought us a new adventure.

When we received our orders to Virginia this past May, I thought about how it is so much like God to work things out in ironic ways. Exactly 10 years and He again took me away from all I knew and put me in a place where I am completely dependent on Him. At times I struggle with loneliness, depression and anxiety, wondering what will happen this time around. Yet the Lord is still faithful, even to a sometimes faithless and fearful sinner such as me. I know that He is and will continue to do amazing things with and through my family.

The difference this time is that I know He will be there, no matter what! Even though I struggle, I turn back to Him and trust Him. I have walked through the valley and He was right beside me. I'm learning to grow where I'm placed and to find joy in everything.

Although it's hard, I can say 'It is my joy to say, Your Will, Your Way!'

And the journey begins!

You probably already heard the news with all of my Facebook activity! Dan was selected at the Chaplaincy board, commissioned and given orders. We are moving to Quantico Marine Corp Base in Quantico, Virginia, in 2 months.

Wow is about all I can say right now. We are so blessed for this change. Dan has worked very hard for a long time and has faced a lot of difficulties in trying to get here. He worked 40+ hours a week while going to Seminary and volunteering in ministry. Often his worked required him to travel which caused missed classes and deadlines. But, he persevered. God gave him the strength and ability to keep going!

We are a military family, at the roots. My dad served, Dan's dad served, many uncles and cousins have and continue to serve. We understand the military life, we have lived it. While we are very excited for this new adventure, I find myself a little anxious too.

Ten years ago, in April 2003, we loaded up our van with 4 kids (age 12, 9, 1.5 and 4 months) and drove from Washington State to Huntsville, Alabama. My husband had been selected to be a Warrant Officer in the Army. We were excited for the adventure. We would spend 6 months in Alabama while he attended school and then head off to Weisbaden Germany! We had so many plans and hopes and ideas for what we would do. While in Alabama, we learned we were expecting again. This baby would be born overseas. In November he finished school and off we went. We arrived in Germany and moved in to our housing. A month later he deployed to Iraq. I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do would be to raise 4 children and birth a new baby alone in a foreign country while my husband proudly served with his unit in Iraq. Little did I know, much more would be asked of me.

About 8 weeks after we arrived, I learned that my baby had a rare brain malformation. There was a flurry of activity, I was admitted to the hospital for an indefinite amount of time, my husband was called back from Iraq. Sweet Miss Mollie was born and after only 33 days she went to heaven to be with Jesus. That time was so hard and yet so beautiful. God showed me His presence in so many ways. I was blessed. Her story is found here: http://molliechristina.blogspot.com/2011/03/when-life-was-turned-inside-out.html.

With broken hearts, we decided to come back to Washington State to heal. We were embraced by our friends and family and our church. God was right beside us. Four months after returning, my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. We also learned we were expecting again. It was like getting sucker punched. Again, God was there and present in everything. For 2 years he bravely battled cancer; undergoing surgery, radiation and a lot of chemotherapy. He relearned to walk more than once. However, after 2 years, he won the ultimate battle and left us on this earth. I am fully confident that he heard the words, "Well done good and faithful servant." as he entered heaven that day and met our Savior Jesus Christ and embraced our baby girl.

Again, God was with me and the children. It wasn't easy but He filled in the gaps and carried us. Two years later I was blessed to meet a wonderful, Godly man. A year later we married. I knew from the beginning that he wanted to and was called to become a Navy Chaplain. I had to decide from the start if I could support that. Obviously the answer was Yes!

So now we are here, 10 years later, heading off for another adventure. I am excited and so blessed to be able to support my sweet husband in his calling. However, I am scared and anxious too. I have done the adventure and from human eyes it didn't work out so well! But I know that God has a plan. He never left my side and He will be there in this as well.

I don't really need to hear about how I need to have strong faith and how if or when I am more mature in my faith I won't doubt or be scared. I believe I have a strong faith. I have and still do trust God in all things. Yet, I am still human. I still fear at times until I turn it back to Him. What I need to hear, and what my children need to hear and what my sweet hubby needs to hear is "We are praying for you." and maybe throw in a "Congratulations!" We will have an adventure. We will follow God's plan for us. We will trust Him in all the unknown and all the changes.

With trembling fingers and a tear in my eye, I will stand by my husband, grasp his hand, and step out into this new adventure. I have no idea what will come but I put my trust fully in He who does, Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

Let the adventure begin!!

On My Knees and Blessed

This week, in "Stressed-Less Living", we read about the things in our lives that cause our stress. I completed an exercise where I listed out what the problem was, how it makes me feel, how it affects my life and whether or not I have control or the power to change it.

I learned that the majority of my major stressors are out of my control and I have absolutely no power to change them. That should make me feel better, but it doesn't. The reason it doesn't is because I have been unwilling to give them up to God and allow Him to keep them. I want to be able to do this. The exercise also encouraged a conversation with the Lord. My prayer is below:

Lord,
I confess that I am often stressed over things that are out of my control. I have let these things affect my relationship with You and with others. Lord, I want to be free of these burdens and how they affect my life. I pray that You will take these problems from my shoulders and You will work in them, in Your time. I pray for Your peace that passes my understanding as I wait on You for the solutions and answers. Help me to continue to turn these things over to You when I want to pull back and worry. I pray that I will allow You to work. Thank You Lord that You care about me and all that is going on in my life. I thank You that You love me and You will always be there beside me. 
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Some of the stressors in my life seem pretty huge and daunting. I am challenged to seek the blessings that I have as I wait on the Lord. I shared some of my blessings in my last post, here are some more.

I am thankful for:

• My daughter's Physical and Occupational therapists who work hard with her every week to help her to walk and also help me to not be worried over her delays.
• My children who help out around the house.
• My husband's job which provides for our family and allows me to stay home with our children.
• The ministry opportunity that my husband and I have to help grieving people in their healing.
• The mild weather we have here in the Pacific NW.
• My online bible study sisters who encourage and support me in this journey.

 I am learning so much in this study and look forward to what the Lord has for me.

My Stressed-Less Journey

This week I started a new online bible study with Proverbs 31 which uses the book "Stressed-Less Living" by Tracie Miles. We have just begun the adventure and I am already learning a lot.

I decided to join this study because I know I could use some insight and help on living life with less stress. We have a lot going on in our family. Currently, 5 of our 8 children live with us as well as our nephew. I am a director of a homeschool community, I support and facilitate ministry teams at church and try to homeschool my children in all of that. Life is very busy. And busyness often brings stress! I don't want to be the cranky mom or the nagging wife or the complainy friend. I want to be a calm person who is at peace with where God has me. I know that I need to give up my desires, plans and future to Him in order to have that.

My goal in this study is to learn to surrender to God, trust Him with the outcome and walk in His peace. One of the first steps in that is to realize my blessings. God has worked amazingly in my life and I am a truly blessed woman. Below are just a few of the things I am thankful for:

• I am thankful for my husband who works hard to provide for us and helps me continually grow in the Lord.
• I am thankful for my children who are a huge blessing to my life and keep me humble and help me to not be lazy.
• I am thankful for difficult relationships so that I can learn to love better.
• I am thankful for a house that constantly needs attention because it is FULL of the people I love!
• I am thankful for my mom living right down the street because she is often available to watch kids when I am in a pinch.
• I am thankful for the blessing of homeschooling my children because I can see them grow and be there when they have A Ha moments!
• I am thankful for my friends who hold me accountable and love me.
• I am thankful for this study and how God is going to use it to continue to shape and mold me.

These are just a few of the things I am thankful for. I look forward to what the Lord has to show me through this study.

Lean on Him

Psalm 91:2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust."

Life is hard, period. No matter who you are, there are, or have been, some tough times. It's hard because we live in a fallen world with fellow sinners. There are storms that come and things that are out of our control. In fact, as I tell my kids, the only thing we can control are our reactions to people and situations that are out of our control! And I for one, don't do that very well.

So, what shall we do then? Shall we run and hide? Shall we lash back in out of control emotion? Or cower helplessly because of it all?

I suggest we run to the one who is in control. Our God!

He is a refuge. His word says He will hide you under His wing. He will protect and give rest.

He is a fortress, a strong tower. A place to go in time of need.

He can be trusted. His word is true and He will fulfill all His promises.

I know for me, He has been a refuge in times of trouble, a fortress and a trusted Father who has never left me nor forsaken me.

It makes me think of this song that we sing in church:

I will bless the Lord forever,
And I will trust Him at all times.
He has delivered me from all things,
And He has set my feet upon the Rock.

I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

Whom have I in Heaven but you.
There's no one I desire beside You.

You have made me glad, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

Soul Control

In chapter 9 of Let. It. Go., Karen Ehman discusses 5 forms of control we exert to get our way. They are, outright action, subtle mood swings, guilt-laying trips, cloaked concern, and pulling the God Card.

Honestly, I think I use each of these in different situations. But, if I were to pick one that I use most often, I would say subtle (or not so subtle) mood swings. I am the queen of 'fine' in a tight lipped way, or 'oh, I just don't feel well'. Sometimes I will just swing all over with my moods. I can get real pouty real quick!

Thankfully, I don't have to stay trapped in this forever. God is working on me, ever so slowly. I have been searching His word and trying to stay honest about how I am feeling. I also have a dear friend who I know I can trust to keep me accountable. We have an agreement that we will just ask one another if we feel the vibe coming off the other person. "Did I do something wrong? Is there something we need to discuss?" I have found that this accountability has helped me to be more forthright in other relationships.

Now, I still have a long way to go, but God is working. I am learning to stay in His word, to take my hurt feelings to Him, to trust His timing and to stay out of the horrid comparison trap! I am learning that I need to release the reins and give God sole control over my life.

Lord,
I pray that I will put my hope and trust in You and that I will relinquish the reins of my life. I pray that You will continue the good work You have begun in me. Help me to be upfront and honest about my wants and needs and how I feel, in a loving way. Help me to recognize when I am trying to control a situation and help me to pause and think before I act or pout.

Serenity

Oh, how these last few chapters have spoke to me! Especially Chapter 8, Due to Circumstances beyond Our Control. Sometimes I feel like this is my entire life. I know it isn't but there have been large spans of time where it has.

From 2000 to 2007, I was remarried, had 4 more children, lost one child to a birth defect and lost my husband to cancer and then broke my foot and couldn't drive for 3 months and I was the only adult in my house! (I'm not going in to details because it is too lengthy and not the purpose of this post but you can read about it in earlier posts and on my other blog: http://molliechristina.blogspot.com/)

In this I learned, I can't control everything. In fact, there is very little I can control. God will never leave nor forsake me, no matter how hard the situation is. God does work All things for good. He showed me that He loves me and He will work in every situation. He brought people into my life who were His hands and feet and who walked with me through this time. There were things He did that I didn't understand at the time that make more sense now looking back.

I would like to say that I have kept these lessons close, but I still tend to desire control. I remind myself of what God has done and His sovereignty and it helps me loosen my white-knuckle grip!

Hampering Home

In my control freak nature, I have become a dictator in my own home! I have a certain way for everything and I really do not like it when something is not done my way. I have been known to clear all the towels out of the closet and refold them after some well meaning family member has worked hard to do it for me, just because they weren't folded MY way!!  Wow, it makes me cringe to think of it.

In Chapter 6, I love the 'Two Plus Two Equals Four' section. It is a great reminder that there are more than one way to do things.

I am learning, slowly but surely, that not everything has to be MY way. There is no right way to a lot of things. If something is dangerous then of course there needs to be a change but most of the time it's a matter of preference.

This verse: She watches over the activities of her household ~ Proverbs 31:27 HCSB reminds me that my job is to watch over not do everything!! I need my families help to make our house run smoothly. However, they aren't likely to help me if I am so particular.

My prayer is that I will learn to loosen the grip.

Lord,
I want to be a wife and mother who watches over my household and enlists others to help so we can work together. I want to be calm and peaceful so that I can set the tone for my home. Help me to let go of this deep need to over control. Help me to trust You in all situations so that I will be more calm.
Thank You.
Amen

My Valentine Proposal

I am one of those girls who really isn't in to the whole roses and candy and forced love because the calendar, and society, says you have to. In fact, I would much prefer to celebrate love every day. I have tried to make it a special day for my kids so that they know they are loved by me and especially by a loving God. If you read my blog last year you know about the "Pink Party" tradition my family started. If you haven't read that, you can here: http://robinsonfamily2009.blogspot.com/2012/02/our-pink-party.html.

Anyway, 4 years ago, I was a widow with 5 kids and I had met a wonderful, sweet, and Godly man. We had been dating for awhile and I already knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was pretty sure he felt the same way. However, he hadn't asked me yet. I was sure he would pick a fabulous way and an equally fabulous day, like Christmas or New Years Eve or even New Years Day. All three of those days had come and gone with no question and no ring. I was beginning to wonder.

I discussed it with my bestest friend, my cousin Summer. She said "Maybe he is waiting to ask you on Valentine's Day!" I replied, "Uh, no, pretty sure not that day." She was confused because she had met him and she was also pretty sure he was smitten with me as well. So she questioned how I could be so sure. I sheepishly said "Well, we were talking about Valentine's Day and how so many people become engaged or get married on that day and I sort of said I thought it was hokey! I told him I would never want a Valentine's wedding or proposal." She was flabbergasted! "Tell him you changed your mind!" As if that would make a difference. "Yeah, right, like he would believe that. I guess I'll just have to wait and wonder."

Well, Valentine's day was approaching and he told me he wanted to do something with me that day. My sweet friend Sandy came the Friday before to be part of our pink party and to watch the kids on Saturday. We had our pink party and made plans for him to pick me up the next morning.

As we were leaving my house, he handed me a small envelope and a rose. In the envelope were a card with a message from my brother, a card with a message from my cousin and a little note explaining it. The note said that my house was the place he first met my family and he knew how special they are to me. There was another small card that just said 'Will'. Next, we drove to the Highschool and parked by the football field. He handed me another rose and a card from Nathan and a note that explained this place. The note said that this was the first time I asked him to pray with me when Nathan had been injured playing football. Another small card inside just had the word 'You'. I was crying from the sweet things Nathan had to say and the realization of where this was going. He decided not to give me any more of the One word cards until later.

Putting the cards in order

The day continued with visits to many of the places we had visited while dating. The last place was a small spot on the 5 mile drive at Point Defiance park overlooking the water. He handed me all the cards that had one word on them and asked me to put them in order. While I was busy working he played the guitar and sang worship songs. When all together they said "Will You Spend The Rest Of Your Life" and then he pulled one more out of his shirt pocket that said "With Me" and had a ring attached! I was speechless! He had managed to surprise me. I later found out that he had also sent me the same message in texts over a number of days. The first word of the first text each day was one of the words in the proposal message. I guess it goes without saying, he puts a lot of thought into things! :)

The sunset right before the proposal

Later when I asked him why he decided on Valentine's Day after what I had said he replied "Because I knew it would be the last day you would think I would do it."

So now Valentine's Day has new meaning for me. It is the day he asked and I said Yes!

Let go, girl!

As I said in my last post, I struggle with control. I have lots of excuses, ahem....justifications, for this but the bottom line is that it is rooted in pride and mistrust. I think I know better and I don't really trust any one, including God, to do it just right. I am pretty sure that if I want a job done right I will have to do it myself!

The online study I am involved in is using the book "Let. It. Go." by Karen Ehman. I am learning a lot in just the first few chapters. I am learning where I struggle most and how to give it up to God. My prayer is that I will continue to let go and let God and walk away from my pride and fully trust Him with the results.

Lord,
I confess that I struggle with control. I confess that my pride and mistrust usurps Your authority in my life most of the time. I confess that I often choose to go my own way rather than wait on You. Lord, I pray that You will fill me with Your spirit. I pray that I can remember the work You have done in my life and that I will release the white-knuckle grip I have on my future. I pray that I will remember your words, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21 Lord, I give You control over All of my life; my past, present and future, my children, my husband, my plans and my dreams. I trust that You have an eternal perspective and I trust You hand in it all. Thank You Lord that You are infinitely patient with me. Thank You Lord that You love me even with all my flaws. Thank You for Your word that does change people. Thank You for the people You have placed in my life to help point me back to You. 
In Jesus Name,
Amen

My tendency to control

Hello, my name is Christina and I have the tendency to control. I am an enabler and martyr. I use these means to control people and situations. I like to control all aspects of my home, even how the dishwasher is loaded and the towels are folded. I like to 'help' others with projects and activities and wind up taking a lead most of the time. I have often thought I was a lost cause, but I have Hope!

The Lord is working in me. He wants me to have peace and be free to Let. It. Go. I am so excited for this book by Karen Ehman and the online bible study with Melissa Taylor.

I hope to learn how to let go of the unimportant and to relax a bit. I hope to learn how to focus on what really is important and not let other things control me.I hope to be able to say that my trust is fully in the Lord and I give Him full control of my life.

Dull....

God has done some amazing things in my life. First and foremost, He drew me in and Saved me. He loved me when I was unlovable and drowning in sin. That right there should be enough.

The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: "Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Jeremiah 31:3

Yet, He also molded and changed me into a more loving and compassionate person. He walked with me through some very dark times. He held me when I was scared. He carried me when I couldn't walk anymore on my own. He brought me into the sunshine from the dark and healed my broken heart.

And with all of that, I still became dull in my love for Him. I'm not even really sure when or how it happened. It was a slow fade. I think I just became complacent. Things that were supposed to happen, weren't and things that weren't supposed to happen, were. I wasn't on fire anymore and was impatient and demanding, with Him and others in my life.

However, in His great love, He was infinitely patient with me. He sent others to love on me and gently show me where I was lacking and being impatient. It was a number of small conversations and realizations that made me aware of my dull and dry life.

And slowly, with prayer, love and patience, He ignited the fire in me again. I have found a new zest for Him and for His word. I feel His presence again. I am excited to be in His word. Worship brings me to tears at times and continues to fill me with joy. I don't have a recipe or process to share. All I can say is that I'm so thankful He is faithful.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:2

Oh, and the things that were supposed to happen still aren't happening yet and the things that weren't supposed to happen are still happening. But my God is big and He is in control and I have turned back to my first love.