15 years

Time and grief are a funny thing. 

Time, in life, seems to march on predictably. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. Minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Sometimes it seems to move so fast and you look back and realize that a ton of time has sailed by. 

Grief is anything but predictable. It is inside of time constraints because that is a part of our world that we can not escape. Minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years move on. However, in grief, they also circle back. Little things pop up unexpectedly. 

Fifteen years ago we said goodbye for the final time. In a tiny hospital tucked in a remote part of Washington state, I stood by your side and said goodbye. It was goodbye to the few short years we shared together and goodbye to the many years we had hoped to have. It was goodbye to the joy and pain the laughter and tears. Although it has been 15 years, it feels like yesterday sometimes. 

I read that our bodies remember grief even if our minds try to forget. I believe this is true. Even if I 'forget' a particular date or event, my body will have a reaction. I used to try to prevent this. After all, I am a Christian and I should not still 'wallow' in my grief after so many years. I should be past this, especially since I am remarried. (just some of the not helpful things I have heard over time). But again, time and grief don't play fair. I realized that I don't have to play by anyone else's rules. And it is ok, and even good, to allow myself to feel my grief. 

I am not the same 30 something widow with all those babies to care for. Time, and grief, have changed me. The things I knew then and what I know now are so different. Sometimes I even wonder if you would know the now me. I mean, if you were here and passed me on the street, would you know it was me? Would the me 15 years ago know the now me? I don't think so. 

The now me is confident (some of the time) and kind and empathetic. The now me is a willing learner, eager to hear and understand more than to be understood. The now me understands that she can grieve what could have been and what was lost and hold dearly to and treasure what is now. The now me knows that she can say 'and' instead of 'but'. I am sad that you are gone, I miss you, and I love my now life. It is possible. 

I am thankful for the years and the memories. I am thankful for our children, who are not babies anymore. They are adults! I am thankful for who I am. I am thankful for my husband who loves me completely and understands my crazy, or at least attempts to, and allows me to grieve and feel. 

It has been a hard few months. Your sister will be joining you soon, she has recently been diagnosed with cancer and not doing well. We are grieved and hurting and thankful all at the same time. I know that she missed you dearly and I can only imagine what Heaven will be like with the two of you there! When I saw her recently I gave her big hugs and asked her to pass them to you and our sweet Mollie for me. I will miss her so much! 

Five years ago I made a tribute post (https://robinsonfamily2009.blogspot.com/2016/07/we-remember.html) in remembrance. I am still walking in the promises I wrote about then. I am living life fully and completely and loving it and missing what was and grieving the losses, simultaneously. 

Time and grief are a funny thing.